He always knew..

I believe Ben knew he would die young...he always knew. From the time I first met him, he said he doubted that he would live to be over 40. I think he wanted to live a long life, he just knew his mind didn't work like the majority of the world's. I often find that at times, I have to defend my late husband-I mean most think his act was cowardly..And I know their is a fine line between letting my kids know the truth and know all of the positive aspects about their Dad, and letting them know that his coping skills were very very very wrong. I will never paint what he did as a hero or anything, too many suicides often happen because young people want to emulate another person (case in point,,, Ben loved Kurt Cobain)--yet he wasn't this horrible human being that society would like to think he was. I think it makes it easier for "others" to understand, but not those of us who have survived it.

Ben never laid a hand on me nor my children, he was never abusive in anyway-except the occasional agrument over growing his own "garden" which I would not allow (just read between the lines on that comment)-He was a doting Dad for the first few years of the boyz lives...and they were only 3 and 4 when he died-so for the bulk of their life is was an excellent Dad.. We looked like the All-American couple. Never were the police called to our house, never did either one of us have any affairs or drama in our home..For the most part things were good, until his illness really starting taking away his mind..

The last year of Ben's life he had a suicide attempt on New Years Eve., and a couple ideations about running his car into a tree. I knew in his heart he did not want to ever hurt the kids, yet I knew the last few months I could not trust him around me or the kids.. But again, no harm ever happened..

The irony and complex nature of this man-who can still intrigue me even from the grave is that he financially prepared for his family. Our 401K's were both maxed out at 16%-You don't do that if you know you want to die, unless you are wanting to take care of someone else..His CD's were all in long 27 month plans. After we bought our first house, at his request, we refinanced for a 15 year Mortgage at a fixed lower rate... Our payment was higher, but now my house is within a few years paid off..The day he died he died on company time, in a company rented storage unit, in his suit and tie, with his company car completely packed parked in front of it. Consequently, his company was able to save face and gave us life insurance. (and paid our Cobra/Health Insurance the first 3 months)-His Social Security was high..almost the max amount, so the kids and I still have the same life style. We are on a fixed income and are far from rich-but can keep the house, food, etc..I am not bragging, I am just stating facts-was it a cowardly act..yes with a rational mind it was.. My husband was not in his rational mind the last few months of his life. I saw him try to fight for his sanity by self medicating and pacing,,, it didn't work for him. His upbringing was different than mine, he was taught to be perfect-and perfection was the only acceptable way to be..

Those who knew Ben know all of this to be true...he was a gentle, "make love not war" type of guy.. He would never raise a fist to anyone, but could cut a person down with his mouth (yet they would not know what hit them until an hour later, but this quality intrigued me as well)--Months after his death many people asked about the toxicology report..For they wanted to believe he was on Crack of Cocaine or some type of crazy drug to make him crazy... He wasn't....just weed--- but he was always on weed---It was his mind, not his soul that took him...

For some, this post will make absolutely no sense...It's just been on my mind this morning and I had to get the garble out of my head. Once it's out I can take the No Vacancy sign down and get back to my routine.. I don't like having an UnQuiet Mind,,, I prefer it to be peaceful...