A Letter to my children...





I know you already remember very little about your father....I have to write this down tonight while it's still fresh in my memory..Each one of you were special and had a place in your father's heart......





Davis-


Our first born., your Daddy loved playing basketball and golf with you.. He loved taking you to doctors office and to work with him and strolling you while walking our dog Marley. Your Daddy loved to read to you-I credit alot of your intellectual early stimulation to him. He would spend hours reading book after book to you. He knew you were a born leader, could see your humor and inquisitive nature. He was impressed with how well you golfed and how hard you tried to keep up in basketball. He loved taking you to Tball and helping with your games. He was so proud of you-he knew you were smart, almost to the point that he knew you could see through his weaknesses..even when you were only four years of age. He loved you Davis-up until the day he died you were in his mind at the moment of his death.. You already know this. Another favorite hobby was to look at the stars, planets, milky way together.. He often said to you that he always wanted to catch Saturn would be mesmerized with astronomy. You enjoyed the sciences as much as he did.. I think on some level, he knew I would be OK having you-you stepped up as a four year old child into a position that no child should have to encounter.. You loved being a little man, you still do-He would be so proud of you now--Never forget he loved you,,, you will live a long and happy life, but you had a Daddy that loved you until the very end..





Will- You were born 21 months after your brother and you had a special place in your Daddy's heart from the very start. He was 21 months younger than his brother and could understand your position being the second born. He relished in your easy going personality, free spiritness and natural athletic ability. You were too little to play sports, but he loved that you truly loved being a little boy. He would read and watch Cars and Thomas the Train with you.. They were your favorite videos and toys when you were 2 and 3. He loved looking and looking for the perfect little toy for you, because he was fascinated by how you would play for hours with one little thing. He thought you were the cutest most naturally gifted child, who was totally innocent with his abilities.. He usually had you and Davis both-because Davis insisted on it, but enjoyed spending quality time one on one with you. You looked at both Davis and your Daddy as role models due to your small age and to this day you still look up to Davis as a surrogate Daddy. The last thing your Daddy bought before he left the house the day he died was a Cars bike helmet and knee pads. You had just turned 3 and now are almost six and still where the helmet. He always wanted to buy something of high quality but something that would last for a long long time. He also bought you a Thomas train named Ben-- a little yellow train to add to your collection. He knew he was going to die- and wanted you to remember how much he loved you..





Sophia "Sia"--Oh little girl..you are truly a survivor...your Daddy had become very ill by the time you were born...I often think he held on to see you born. You came into a crazy world at home during that time., and being in typical Sia style chose to ignore it and sleep most of the time. I will tell you that you are our only baby who your Daddy wanted to sit in the nursery at the hospital and rock you. He was so proud of you and thought you were so beautiful. He would place you in the nursery and stand outside the window and watch people go by and commenet on how happy they would be seeing you. He said he knew you had a natural gift to make other people happy and smile. He was so right, to this day you bring joy to all of those who see you and come in contact with you. You were my "shield" the first year after your Daddy died,. I think on some level he knew that you would also make the family complete--The boys doted on you and it helped with their acute type of grief that first year. I love you and your brothers more than words can express... You just need to know that each of you were loved by your father, even in his last dieing breath. I would not write this if I didn't believe it... It's probably why my grief was complicated, postponed and tough--I see with clarity now things I could not see before.

He always knew..

I believe Ben knew he would die young...he always knew. From the time I first met him, he said he doubted that he would live to be over 40. I think he wanted to live a long life, he just knew his mind didn't work like the majority of the world's. I often find that at times, I have to defend my late husband-I mean most think his act was cowardly..And I know their is a fine line between letting my kids know the truth and know all of the positive aspects about their Dad, and letting them know that his coping skills were very very very wrong. I will never paint what he did as a hero or anything, too many suicides often happen because young people want to emulate another person (case in point,,, Ben loved Kurt Cobain)--yet he wasn't this horrible human being that society would like to think he was. I think it makes it easier for "others" to understand, but not those of us who have survived it.

Ben never laid a hand on me nor my children, he was never abusive in anyway-except the occasional agrument over growing his own "garden" which I would not allow (just read between the lines on that comment)-He was a doting Dad for the first few years of the boyz lives...and they were only 3 and 4 when he died-so for the bulk of their life is was an excellent Dad.. We looked like the All-American couple. Never were the police called to our house, never did either one of us have any affairs or drama in our home..For the most part things were good, until his illness really starting taking away his mind..

The last year of Ben's life he had a suicide attempt on New Years Eve., and a couple ideations about running his car into a tree. I knew in his heart he did not want to ever hurt the kids, yet I knew the last few months I could not trust him around me or the kids.. But again, no harm ever happened..

The irony and complex nature of this man-who can still intrigue me even from the grave is that he financially prepared for his family. Our 401K's were both maxed out at 16%-You don't do that if you know you want to die, unless you are wanting to take care of someone else..His CD's were all in long 27 month plans. After we bought our first house, at his request, we refinanced for a 15 year Mortgage at a fixed lower rate... Our payment was higher, but now my house is within a few years paid off..The day he died he died on company time, in a company rented storage unit, in his suit and tie, with his company car completely packed parked in front of it. Consequently, his company was able to save face and gave us life insurance. (and paid our Cobra/Health Insurance the first 3 months)-His Social Security was high..almost the max amount, so the kids and I still have the same life style. We are on a fixed income and are far from rich-but can keep the house, food, etc..I am not bragging, I am just stating facts-was it a cowardly act..yes with a rational mind it was.. My husband was not in his rational mind the last few months of his life. I saw him try to fight for his sanity by self medicating and pacing,,, it didn't work for him. His upbringing was different than mine, he was taught to be perfect-and perfection was the only acceptable way to be..

Those who knew Ben know all of this to be true...he was a gentle, "make love not war" type of guy.. He would never raise a fist to anyone, but could cut a person down with his mouth (yet they would not know what hit them until an hour later, but this quality intrigued me as well)--Months after his death many people asked about the toxicology report..For they wanted to believe he was on Crack of Cocaine or some type of crazy drug to make him crazy... He wasn't....just weed--- but he was always on weed---It was his mind, not his soul that took him...

For some, this post will make absolutely no sense...It's just been on my mind this morning and I had to get the garble out of my head. Once it's out I can take the No Vacancy sign down and get back to my routine.. I don't like having an UnQuiet Mind,,, I prefer it to be peaceful...

Simplicity

Simplicity--It seems like such an easy word to achieve...but in our fast paced world it's difficult to attain... It seems we have become a world of stuff--I often get tickled when I seen adults scurrying around buying collectible purses, charms, jewerly, electronics, just the right outfit....Or even better the right vacations, that in turn stress us our because of the planning, packing and cost involved.. Of course we take our IPhone and laptops with us and check voicemail three times a day even though we are on vacation. Somedays, I truly miss the 1970's and early 80's without all the "stuff"- (of course I was a child at this time, but I don't remember my parents being techno savy and having these control of universe)

I often view young children as our "true self"--They don't need things...well they become products of their environment and the younger they get lots of "stuff" they more they expect as they get into school age, preteen, and teenage years..Consequently, homes become run down and cluttered and parents scurry aimlessly to attain the right "things" to keep up with the children and their friends...

Remember "stuff" can't replace people...even though I enjoy the world of the Internet...it can't replace human interaction...Online classes are wonderful, but the actual involvement with face to face interaction can't always be achieved online...Again laptops, IPhone, are all "stuff" that we acquired..And we acquired them to keep up with the times.. (I love technology, it's been a lifesaver for me, I am just looking optimistically)

Just remember....keep it simple...and keep it sane.....